3.11.2008

The House on the Hill

I have a dream home. I have envisioned this home in my mind for so long, that I sometimes I can feel it. I wish to share that dream with you.

Imagine driving up a smoothly winding road, with bright green grass and fields full of cows speckling the way. Then, suddenly, behind a hill, is a large stone wall. You can see huge oaks all lined up in a row behind the wall, and between the leaves, sparkles a lovely shade of pink.

Turning into a long brick driveway, you see the oaks are a set of two...like soldiers on guard; forming a tunnel of shade. The driveway is fringed with small posies. In the distance is a purple flowering tree and a lemon tree. A set of garden gnomes dot the landscape, appearing to be diligently working under the oaks. Near the end of the driveway, which forks after the end of the soldier oaks, is a hammock that would be lovely for reading a book. After the forked driveway, a sweet set of five stairs leads up to the sweetest house you've ever seen.

The house, a victorian style home with plenty of gingerbread decoration, is pink and white with a soft grey pitched roof. The front porch, with two big rocking chairs is a great place for drinking lemonade, while watching the birds flutter around the windchimes and bird houses hanging off the roof. The front door, in a dainty sea foam green, is arched at a wide angle. The home is reminiscent of a picture from a beloved children's book.

With so much whimsy, it is hard to grasp every detail in one glance. A fat little buddah statue greets you with a silly smile. Upon entrance, a spiral staircase leads to the bedrooms. In the foyer is a huge compass rose pattern set into the bamboo floor. On your right is a large family room, with a big fire place and a carpet that looks like pebbles. Big floor pillows decieve; they appear to be rocks from a quarry. On your left is a dining room, with a long table and six chairs. A big chandelier that looks like sea urchin made of blown glass hangs elegantly over the table.

Following into the direction of the dining room, you see a grand open kitchen that is set up a little higher than the rest of the first floor. The cabinets are white, with a crackle finish that reveals a pink background. On a large island, is many decorative cake stands with all sorts of scrumptious treats under domed glass. The appliances (the refrigerator, the gas stove, the dish washer, and all the countertop appliances) are in a lovely hue of robin's egg blue. The countertop is white, with a turquoise and pink boomerang pattern. A pot rack above the island displays varying sized pots and pans that are glazed in a range of blues. The curtains hanging in the large picture window above the sink, is patterned with cupcakes. You can see the backyard from the kitchen window.

Leading to the backyard are two big french doors, and it is easy to see the many charms of this almost secret garden. A human-sized chess board is just off the back porch. Three huge trees guard the back of the lot, and watch as you spy a large buried buddha head peeking up out of the ground. A small wooden bridge at the back of the lot makes a path over a large koi pond. Fairy houses, made of twig and moss, hang in the trees, as well as a swing. Even more impressive, is the number of Morraccan lanterns that hang from sheppard's hooks around the lawn. Many gazing orbs lay in the grass. A couch, seemingly sculpted out of a pile of dirt and grass, faces the chess board. An old bathtub has been repurposed to a flowerbed, and a birdbath made from an old pedistal sink.


Anyway, obviously, I have a lot of ideas, and that is just barely scratching the surface! My dream home is a place that is beautiful, whimiscal, and ecclectic. Just like me!

2.28.2008

Oh, Imagine the Places You'll Go!

I want to travel. Being a total Sagittarius, traveling to new and exciting places is part of who I am. I am working on a list of all the places I'd like to visit in my lifetime. This is what I got so far (in no particular order):

1. Portland, Oregon
2. Seattle, Washington
3. Amsterdam, Netherlands
4. Prague, Czech Republic
5. New York, New York
6. Belgium
7. Alaska
8. Beijing, China
9. Puerto Rico
10. Monaco
11. Bratislava, Slovakia
12. Machu Picchu, Peru
13. Grand Canyon, Arizona
14. Nevis Island
15. Key West, Florida
16. Wikee Wachee, Florida
17. Negril, Jamaica
18. Hawaii
19. St. Lucia
20. Savannah, Georgia
21. Las Vegas, Nevada
22. Niagra Falls, New York
23. Costa Rica
24. South Beach, Miami
25. Tibet

Sure, it's a pretty long list, but a few of those places could be knocked off together in once fail swoop vacation. Hopefully, someday I can afford to go to the places on this list.

2.27.2008

60 Things You Don't Know About Me

Ok, so I stole it from a Myspace Bulletin. Whatever. Here's my reponses:

1.What is in the back seat of your car right now?
I don't have a car currently

2. When was the last time you threw up?
Um, the last time I stayed up all night

3. What's your favorite word or phrase?
Moo. It works for everything.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Stefan, my mom, and Cheeto Burrito

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sleeping with Cheeto at the foot of my bed.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Looking at pictures of Yvonne DeCarlo

7. What is your favorite holiday?
I don't much care for holidays.

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?
No

9. What is the last thing you said aloud?
Hey, cut that out! (At Cheeto, who was biting something she isn't supposed to.)

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Birthday Cake with M&Ms

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Pepsi from Arby's

12. What are you wearing right now?
Jeans, Stefan's hoodie, and a black shirt

13. What was the last thing you ate?
An Ice Cream Sandwich

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
None for myself...I did buy a little dress for Cheeto, that she has already grown out of.

15. When was the last time you ran?
I hate running. I ran a few days ago for maybe three seconds to wear Cheeto out.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Superbowl with Stefan

17. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Amsterdam, Belgium...hell, ANYWHERE BUT HERE!

18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
Stefan I believe

19. Ever go camping?
Yeah, I used to. I enjoy it... too busy nowadays.

20. Do you have a tan?
A graveyard tan.

21. Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
No, but I did have a frog come up through my toilet about a year ago. It junped on me after I got up.

22. What is your guilty pleasure?
M&M McFlurrys

23. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Nope

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Usually, though I am trying not to drink so much soda.

25. What did your last text message say?
It was from Stefan, asking me if I had gotten off of work.

26. Are you someone's best friend?
Stefan's

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
Working...don't really want to though.

28. Where is your mom right now?
In the back room, playing Rainy Day Spider Solitare

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
The front window, the other side of the couch, and a laundry basket.

30. What color is your watch?
I don't wear one

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Kangaroos, Jelly fish, the Sydney Oprah House

32. Ever rode on a roller coaster?
Are you kidding? I LOVE rollercoasters

33. What is your birthstone?
Blue Topaz

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
I'm a drive thru girl

35. Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
No, I try to only associate with people I can tolerate

36. Do you have a dog?
Yes! Her name is Cheeto Burrito, and she is a 10 week old Pug.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Stefan

38. Have you met anyone famous?
Lots of Circus Folk that my parents are friends of. Nobody A-List, but who'd want their bullshit?

39. Any plans today?
Just to go to sleep once I can get Cheeto to settle down.

41. Ever go to college?
Yeah. It was okay. I probably will go back at some point.

42. Where are you right now?
In my livingroom

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Money

44. Last song listened to?
"Doesn't Remind Me" by Audioslave

45. Last movie you saw?
Run, Fat Boy, Run

46. Are you allergic to anything?
A certain antibiotic

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
My brown flip flops.

48. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not that I am aware of.

49. Are you married?
No, but I wish I were

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
Probably not.

51. What time is it?
12:16 a.m.

52. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes

53. Do you eat healthy?
Not particularly

54. What do you usually do during the day?
Take Cheeto out. Feed her. Get ready for work. Work my butt off. Go home. Play with Cheeto. Take her out. Go to bed.

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
Honestly, myself. But I am working on that.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Not that I've noticed...

57. How many kids do you want when your older?
2 children, 1 dog child, and 1 cat child

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
Old enough

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yeah, a long time ago

60. How did u get one of your scars?
I accidentaly hit the back of my hand on one of my dad's lit cigarettes when I was very little.

2.09.2008

Boredom

I get so upset when I find myself bored out of my mind during my relaxation time. The greatest annoyance of this boredom, is the fact that there is NOTHING on television. I can't stand that anytime I wish to just be a zombie and tune out the world, I become overly consumed with the task of finding something actually worth watching. Terrible. Is the writer's strike over yet?

My latest obsession that might be my only hope to rescue me from this torture is hula hooping. I found this whole underground community of people who express themselve by hula hooping, in a very dance-like matter. Watching people hooping is absolutely hypnotizing. I have read many health benefits too, which makes me more inclined to take up the sport. However, you cannot take any old children's hula hoop; the sport hoops must be a certain diameter, weight, and flexibility. Finding the material to make the hoop is the hardest part, and Stefan and I have looked everywhere. It is quite irritating to have a bunch of old geezers staring at you like you have worms crawling out of you ears, when you tell them you need 160 psi, 3/4" polyethylene tubing. I mean, really. Alas, I have not found any of the tubing, and so I am sitting here, bored out of my mind.

All this boredom is making me tired, so I think I ought to take a shower and wake myself up.

2.03.2008

Taking Care of Buisness

Right now I am sitting in bed with my dog, Tina. My thoughts, as usual, are a bit all over the place, so I apologise in advance.

I am trying to buy a new car. I have done more research over the past four months than any human being should to buy a friggin car. Stefan has been tremendously helpful in this process. Since my previous little Ford Escort is on car heaven, I have been schleped around by Stefan and my mom. Though I appreciate it very much, I am going to go crazy if I don't get my own vehicle soon. I am sure it will happen, but I am just getting frustrated.

My mom actually hurt herself working out at the gym last week, and she had to go to the hospital last night because she was in so much pain. Of course, she did not call me to tell me any of this, so I was completely clueless until about 8:00 this evening. I wish that she would've called me, because I would've gladly taken care of her today.

The frustrating thing is that I feel like I am not really sure about the future. With the economy the way it is, I am not sure how easy it would be keep my job. My dad who's the best thing to ever happen to the company he works for, may kick him out on his butt. We don't know. I am very concerned with the way things are going right now. When the economy goes down, child abuse goes up. So does domestic violence, and gang activity. But, service workers, such as police and fire fighters, lose their jobs very quickly. It was really dumb for them to pass that damn Amendment 1. I know that everyone wants to pay less on their property taxes. I get it. But, when you pay less in property taxes, you also run the risk of nobody showing up when your house is on fire. Paradoxes everywhere.

The only good thing in my life right now is Stefan. He really makes it easy for me to be okay with things. I don't worry as much when I am with him, and he doesn't have grand expectations of me either.

Maybe in the morning, things will get better, but for now, I must sleep. What I know so far, is that life is one big Catch-22, and you'd better learn to be a good decider or else.

Love and Needs,
Mimi

1.27.2008

Greatness



It is quite obvious the depression I am going through. Everyone around me has noticed it, and I have been beyond aggrivated with the situation.

My mom and I went shopping today, and we were talking about it. I was really trying to explain to her how I felt. i said something along the lines of, "I feel like I have no purpose". My mother turned to me, and she looked at me with a face that I hadn't really seen before. She said, "Out of the people I've known, friends and family, I have never known anyone who so obviously has a greater purpose than you. Since the day you were born, I knew you were destined for greatness."

It really kinda surprised me that she said that, but it really hadn't set in until just a bit ago. You see, I have always known in my heart that I am supposed to do something BIG in my life. What that is, I have no idea, but somehow I have always known this.

If you have never felt this, I can only explain it as an inner turmoil that feels like a magnet pulling you through time, blindly taking you in all sorts of directions. And the older I get the more it feels like the magnet is getting stronger, and the cloud of turmoil, bigger. The inner turmoil is like a pitch black hurricane, that every so often shows me which path I should choose with the greatest clarity, like the eye of the storm. For the past three years, I have not experienced a moment of clarity in this turmoil. To be honest, it rather disturbs me that I have not. In the course of my life, it has always been that I could expect a new life chpter about every two years. I keep waiting, and I am starting to worry.

It would be nice to know what I am meant to do with my life; at least a general idea. All I know, is that I am supposed to help people in some way. Oy. What's a girl to do?

1.15.2008

The Writers' Strike...and other Pop Culture Silliness

The whole writer's strike thing seems very, um, not important. At least not to me anyway. This is the thing, I haven't seen one new great sitcom or nighttime drama in the past two years, so I don't really get the whole big thing about shows being "ruined" because of the writers' strike. All that is played on T.V. is "reality" shows, which are such hogwash, that I feel sorry for anyone who looks forward to each week's installment.

Bret Michaels will never find "true love" in a group of women who are picked by producers to cause the most conflict amongst their personalities. Moreover, when you seek to find a lifelong partner, it is essentially impossible to find a wife that you're gonna wanna settle down with, when all of your prospective mates are drinking and partying and ALL THE TIME. Then there is the whole "I love New York" thing. I won't even go there, except to say that if I hear one more censoring bleep, I am gonna scream.

The show I have recently gotten into is old reruns of "MASH" on TVLand. Something about a young Alan Alda is just interesting to me. Plus I love the head nurse, Major Holihan, who is a total feminist, and yet very aware of herself and her femininity. I love Major Honnicut, who is a total dreamboat (in the too old for me kind of way) and very funny. I got into this show for a couple of reasons; I really love the fact that they don't feel it necessary to show gruesome images (their acting makes it just as real), the fact that the little quotes and quips are intellectually funny. Plus, it is appropriate in this time of war, when the little things in life are taken for granted here in the United States, like water or a good homecooked meal. I guess I can identify with the charactors because they are so very human. They are the kind of people that your dad would be buddies with, and the kind of women you'd try to listen in on their conversations with your mom. The charactors seem real, unlike the "reality" show stars. Ah, nastalgia.

Everything that I see that is a downfall of the writer's strike is the fact that no real good movies are coming out. Juno was great, but only because it was written by Diablo Cody, a woman who I am sure would not join the writer's guild ever. My big fat broke butt doesn't need to be going out to the movies anyway, but it would be nice to have at least one really excellent film to look forward to. Alas, there is none, and probably won't be for a while. I am only slightly interested in seeing Katherine Hiegl in "27 Dresses", and would only see "Mad Money" at the dollar theatre.

Other than that, I am really only excited about "Wall-E", coming out June 27th. It is about a little Robot who is left on Earth to clean up after humans who've littered the planet to the point of inhabitance. Wall-E has lived all on his own, doing his daily tasks without encountering any other robots for years, when his entire life is turned upside down by the sudden presence of EVE, a female robot probe sent to see Earth's progress in clean-up. It's apparently a love story, one that I am sure will be absolutely delightful and heartwarming. Cheesy? Perhaps, but cheesy works for me. June 27th is a long ways away as far as I'm concerned, but nonetheless I am excited.

I hope that pop culture cleans itself up, because I am really getting sick of there being NOTHING to watch on television. I suppose until the writers not only give up on their strike, but also become more innovative, I am forced to watch DVDs of old musicals and such.

Anyhoo, Love and Robots,
Mimi

"Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. And in your case, that's enough."
Col. Potter of "M*A*S*H"

1.14.2008

The Grass Is Greener

Tomarrow is the offical last day of my job with the big bulls-eye. I am not sad, nor am I really happy...ok, yes, I am happy, but I suppose that the word I really ought to use is "peaceful". My gut is telling me that this is the right thing to do, depite my lack of a job being lined up to take its place. Perspective employment is not really a concern for me right now (though my checking account is....) I suppose it's the fact that I can finally get rid of this darn uniform and move on with my life.

Now don't get me wrong--I really like my coworkers here. The big boss of the pharmacy is a great guy, and has really been great to me. The younger boss was always crazy but still had his moments where he was lots of fun too.

I suppose I feel like this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It is not really the great big change that typically comes with new life chapters, but in it's own way, I feel like it is a step in the right direction for me. I have so many plans, and the more I grow, the more I realise that I can't make plans...at least not plans for the far distant future. To be perfectly honest, I am so over the whole wedding thing, and I really am kind of indifferent about Stefan and I moving in together. (I know it'll happen and I WANT it to, but I have given up my expectations as to when it'll happen.) My job that I love can't give me a full time position, and that's really okay with me, because I know that money is just too tight everywhere for me to have grand wants that just won't happen anytime soon. But I suppose it helps that I am getting older, because as I age, I am learning more and becoming more patient. (Not something I'm not particularly known for.)

What I really feel is that I have been let down so much in the past few months, that I fear putting my heart into something, and it being broken again. I simply can't bear to do that anymore for a while. So, I took a leap of faith, knowing that I had a lot to lose, and so much more to gain, and I needed to just have no expectations. So I quit the job here, fully knowing that it could turn out really great or not so great. And that was it.

My advice to anyone who is young, and not having to support anyone other than themselves is to hunt down joy. I knew that I couldn't be happy staying in this job. Life is so full of heartbreak, why should I spoil my youth by making myself miserable. Yes, it is not very resposible for me to do this, but I'll tell you what, it would be even more irreponsible if I did this when I had to make morgage payments and feed a couple of kids. So, if I am gonna have to bust my ass in a job I hate, why do it now?

We'll see how everything goes...

1.13.2008

Eight-Legged Love



My latest little obsession is sculpey octopuses. I have made one relatively large blue octupus with green spots...he's not yet named, though quite obviously a dude-o-pus. This evening, I have made two other smaller octopi; one named Magenta who will become a very unique and elegant necklace, and Bibi who is more of a pendant/bead thing. Quite cute I must say for never having used Sculpey until a few days ago.

The above picture is Pinky, a little pink octopus that resides on Stefan's nightstand. Pinky came from my needing to rid myself of some pink acrylic yarn, and the fact that I needed some intant cuteness. Thus was born my new favorite little buddy.

As soon as I can, I'll be sure to post pics asap!

Love and tentacles,
Mimi

1.06.2008

Infamous

Ok, so I have never really been a Britney Spears fan. Actually, I really didn't what the hell was so special about her when she first became popular. However, list most tabliod junkies, I have followed her downfall well enought to know that she has yet to hit rock bottom.

I don't know very many people in my life that have been wheeled out of their home on a gurney, but I have experienced other people's moments of severe depression and mental instability. I have sat next to girls who cried because they wanted to cut themselves so badly. I have been to really low lows myself...where my body shook so hard that it felt that I was experiencing an earthquake within myself. I've cried for days, to the point that my eyes could no longer make tears. And I have looked at myself in the mirror and prayed to God that he'd remove me from this earth. I bit my mom on the arm when they had to take my blood for an STD check after my forensic check-up. I felt like so much had been taken from me, that I wanted someone, anyone, to feel the pain that I felt in that moment. Though I don't consider myself an expert, I can honestly say that I've been there.

So when I saw the whole Britney meltdown video, I could feel those exact same feelings that she was, because I have felt them before. I could read on her lips as they put her in the ambulance, she was trying desperatly to convince the female technician "I'm Fine." She said it with the same smile that only people who've lived a double-life can truly achieve. It's that lying smile that you use to not only try to convence those around you, but yourself as well.

I have no sympathy for Britney, because it would not be fair. Sympathy always angered me because I felt that people could use that energy to do something more worthwhile. I do, however, have a certain respect for her, because she has a long uphill battle to climb...but she must fall some more before then. She isn't done in her process. And what she needs more than anything is a person who's been in the exact same place as she; who's pulled themselves up out of the mud and looked self-loathing in the eye. Someone who can say to her, "Hey, I don't pity you, because someday you will no longer pity yourself." That's the only way she can see herself as she truly is, and who she could be.

I was not battling drug or alcohol proplems (I can only imagine the kind of drugs Britney's using), so that is not something that I can identify with. By no means will I try to understand, because I can't. So there is nothing I can say about any addictions that she may have except that, for her children's sake, I hope that she never used in front of them.

I have a migraine now, mostly because thinking about my past causes me to inadvertantly clench my jaw, triggering my TMJ. I am going to go to sleep, hoping that her children are safe, and that all the people in this world who are suffering from depression, will find peace and rest.

Love and life,
Mimi

12.29.2007

My Dream Car

Ok, so I am greiving the loss of my first car. It was a little Ford that had no A/C, tan duct tape holding together the bumpers, and desperatly needed a new transmission. It was a good little car whild I had it, and though I nearly got in a couple of wrecks because it stalled so bad, I still am quite sad about seeing it at the junkyard.

So, I have been looking around at websites trying to find a vehicle I can afford, without entirely killing the planet in the process. Alas, I am broke and cannot afford much. I have been thinking about my "dream car". I think my dream car is not necessarily typical. I mean, I haven't heard anyone else say that they would like this particular kind of car if they won the lottery!

My dream car: A green 2008 Toyota Prius. The features that I want include things like A/C, a sunroof, cruise control, power windows and locks, ABS, automatic transmission, AM/FM CD player, power steering. Simple stuff.

I would then go to Target and get some nice floor mats that match my personality. Maybe some seat covers too. Then, I would put bumper stickers on it; "Keep Sea Turtles in the Dark", the round "Humane Society" sticker, "I heart Craftster", a blue ribbon, "Every Child Deserves to be Safe and Free from Child Abuse" sticker, a Mote Marine sticker, and my favorite, a knitty.com Knit Pirate sticker.

Oh, and when I was growing up, my mom had the edge of her car ceiling (I forget what it's called) trimmed in the little pom-pom fringe. How cute would that be in a little green prius?! Then, of course, I would have to get the little vinyl decals off Etsy so that it looks like my car has a field of daisies growing on the side of it. Oh, yeah, I'd have to tacky it up! And then, in the trunk, I'd have to get some foldable storage cubes. The pretty purple ones, to store all of my junk. And my reusable shopping bags!

The little green frog toy I had in the Escort would have to be in the Prius. And, something I didn't have in the Escort, car sunglasses! It would get so hot in that little car; I can't imagine not having one in my dream car. (Of course, it would have to be like a rainforest theme one.) Perhaps I could find a way to put a faux Gerbera Daisy in my dash somewhere. It is my favorite flower....

I can imagine myself driving around, listening to Feist and the Moldy Peaches, looking at my little Daisy and frog pal, going downtown to see a movie at the indie film theatre, and bringing my bag of knitting. Ahh, the good life.

12.27.2007

Soulful Journey



I am needed a clear-out. I need to start anew in a fresh blank space. In a way, I am nesting, but in a very unusual way. I need to give my spirtual side room to flourish. Hopefully after I have sufficiently slept, I hope to apply some henna to my hands. I need the feeling of a beautiful ancient art on my skin. It suits the purpose best, I think. I am quite reflective today. I need to sleep soon though. Spiritual work takes a lot of energy.

The mehndi design I wish to use tomarrow is my own, but it shall include a skeleton key hole with a very ornate border. I wish my hair were longer. I feel sexy with hennaed hands. I have always wanted to belly dance, or at least have a room that is plush and lovely, with ornate wooden doors, big floor pillows decorated in magical colors and embroidery. I want a big buddah head, peacefully watching over me. I want to henna myself and drink hot tea, and burn incense. I want to have long hair and bangled arms. I want to wear long flowing skirts, and midriff bearing tops. I want to meditate and have my palm read. I was in such need for a vacation, that now I am using it to do the things I had to hold off on. However, none of the above is what I need to do. It is quite distracting and aggrivating. I have been so busy with work and money and cars and all this other stuff that I don't much care to focus on right now.

I am daydreaming of a vacation in the mountains. Waking up to the fog in the tree tops, and the birds chirping. I want to feel the earth beneith me, not concrete. I want to be humbled by the greatness of the mountain range and the vastness of a waterfall. I want to sit in a hammock chair and look at the forest before me in awe. I wish to pick fresh wild berries off the vine, and wear boots. I wish to walk around in antique stores after eating a breakfast of eggs and from-scratch pancakes. I want to go to sleep under a big, fat moon that feels like it'll fall on me if I'm not too careful. I want to look at the stars and feel the night air in my lungs. I want to see deer in the woods, and stumble upon little creeks and babbling brooks. My soul is connected to the earth. I suppose it's true...you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl. Something inside me makes me want to don prarie dresses and boots and a bonnet. I suppose its my way of simplfying. I think that I need a change of scenery, and a change of senses. Yearning for a bit of history, some old fashioned charm, and a big heaping spoonful of friendly. I wanna eat luchious peaches and let the juices run down my chin and my arms and into my lap. I want to listen to the music that speaks to my soul in a big rockingchair, and journal my heart out.

I need to renew myself. This is something I have put off for so long, it feels like I'm a prisoner in my own life. I don't want to feel this way, but I do.

Perhaps I can get time off before too long, and see the Blue Ridge Mountains in my immediate area.

12.26.2007

Love and Society

Ok, I am not one to really get into this topic too much, simply because everyone has their own opinion, and there is nothing ANYONE can do to change another person's idea on the subject.

I saw the whole Jamie Lynn Spears thing, and I wasn't really shocked. I mean, I have taught at a school of pregnant teens, and they were just like any other teen, except...pregnant. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't treat it like anything out of the oridnary, and so I earned their trust. It was a very cool experience.

This is what I don't understand, in school, when teaching about sex, abstinence is the primary thing that is taught. Everyone gets all bent out of shape, and then somehow Jesus gets thrown into the picture! I mean, really, WTF?! How about talking to teens about emotions, and neediness, and want. Talk about lust, and love, and the difference between the two. Talk about the need to feel love and where to get it besides in sex. Talk about the human nature, and the necessity to feel touch. Talk about weakness, and rage, and all the things that are the tipping point to initiating sex. Teens don't want to hear about diseases that they "might" get, or memorize the sex organ names and parts. Teens want someone who approachable, someone who won't judge them or tell them that they are stupid. Teens know. They want to feel love. They want to feel pleasure. They want to feel adult. They want to feel sexy. Tell them it's okay to want to feel those things. It's natural and normal. And you know what? It's natural and normal to want to have sex. Don't tell them NOT to do it. Tell them to really think about it.

Teach both sexes that they should be proud of who they are. Teach self-love (no, not THAT kind of self-love). Teach respect for yourself and others. Start when they are small.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that it all comes back to the parents. And I can guarantee that I will not be a perfect parent. But I will try, and I hope that I can teach my children through action that love is something that comes in many shapes, colors, and sizes. And that who they are, just as they are, is a wonderful thing. And that it's okay to feel emotions, but it's important to remember that emotions plus action, without thought, is the reason wars are waged, that suffering occurs, and that less that optimal events occur. I have great hope for my future children, because I shall raise them to be independant thinkers.

Karma is a bitch, and if you punish your children with factless emotion, you shall only reap what you sow.

Love and Contraception,
Mimi

12.23.2007

The Big Bad Monster

There is something so basic within our culture that causes us to sweep abuse under the rug. We can't pour money into a laboritory, where little science geeks put abuse in a petri dish and try to figure out the cause. No, abuse is something that cannot be fought with a ribbon on a cereal box, or a three-day walk. (Yes, I hold some resentment against the whole breast cancer thing if you can't tell.) Abuse is something so complex, something that feeds into our most human core. It is scary. It is ugly. And it spreads faster than any cancer that ever existed.

This Christmas, I am reflecting on what I believe is the reason people are so afraid to take this ugly monster head-on.
1. Individuals believe it can't happen in their neighborhood
2. Society still holds firm to myths about abuse
3. Abuse is not "polite conversation"
4. Abuse is not dealt with at a national level
5. Abuse is not discussed in politics
6. Abuse is not taken seriously within the judicial system

My own personal story is not pretty. Few know many details...only Stefan and my mentor truly know more of my gritty bits than anyone else does. I choose not to let my parents in on a lot of it, because they don't need anymore reason to want to kill him. I don't go into the schools announcing that I am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse. I have yet to have a student ask, and I would only tell them if they asked. Even then I would be selective of what I say. I know that I am a survivor, and that's all that matters. I am an open book, but if I feel that I am not willing to share the depths of my soul, I will tell the inquisitor so. I am not yet ready to share with the world the awful things that I have lived through, or the effects of those experiences. But I can tell you that abuse, no matter how small it may seem to another person, puts the victim in an upside down, back-assward world that is so much easier to deal with than trying to set things strait again. The greatest accomplishment of my life was the moment I realised that I had moved from being a victim to a survivor. And let me tell you, that is so much harder than it sounds.

So, on Christmas morning, as I open my presents, I can honestly tell you that of all the gifts I've recieved, it is my family, friends and mentors that have been the biggest blessing I could ever ask for. And I hope that all children can feel the way about the people in their world the way I do. I look forward to the new year, where I hope to take care of myself, so that I can continue fighting the good fight. For, if I save one child from ever being abused or neglected, I can die knowing that I have done far more than most have done in a lifetime.

Love and Safety,
Mimi

12.05.2007

Falling in Love Everyday

I don't know the exact moment I fell in love with Stefan. I think it happened gradually, going from supreme lust to infatuation, to love. He sparked my intrest to be sure; I saw those cute art-boy glasses and WHAM! I just couldn't help myself. I knew I had to have his lips against mine, or else.

The funny thing is, I never expected it to last this long--at least not in the beginning. I thought, we'll go on a couple of dates, we will have a good time...and that'll be it. Six months, tops. But alas, six months turned into a year, and a year turned to two, and now we have celebrated our three year dating anniversary. That's quite an achievement for two people that met in high school, where most relationships last no more than a month or two. It hasn't been all chocolate hearts and red roses. We've laughed together, cried together, and disagreed intently. But we have had the blessing of very open and honest communication; we can tell each other anything, and it's ok. Our relationship is not perfect...no one's is...but I think it has been our trust in one another that has caused many a disagreement to avoid the jump into argument.

We have been talking about marriage for a while. It began in intimate moments; a random, "marry me!" exclamation, then more serious talk ensued. The plan has been that we'd move in together, then a few months in, Stefan would propose, then we'd marry. In a lot of ways, we are already married. Or rather, our souls are. If there is such a thing as "soulmates", this is what it looks like. When we are together, everything is so natural and easy. And I am not a particularly easy person to live with. I have my moments where I am difficult, unreasonable, and a down right pain-in-the-ass. But miraculously, Stefan has succeeded in talking me down from the brink of madness many, many times. I have become a much better individual because he has been in my life. And for that I think I could not be who I am without him.

The reason I write this, is to say that even loonies like me can find someone that is meant for them. Never settle for less than the best. You deserve the best, both men and women, in your life. If I can find someone that I know I can spend my life with without fear or doubt, than I truly believe that anyone can. You have to take care of yourself first. Then love like your hair's on fire!

Love and Romance,
Mimi

11.27.2007

The Great Depression

I cannot wait to see the movie "Juno", opening on December 5th. I had a dream about buying tickets in advance. (I also dreamed that Oprah yelled at me about littering, but that's beside the point.) I am really excited about seeing a female lead that is sarcasticly funny, her male counterpart who is nowhere near stud-muffin qualification, and a film written by an ex-stripper. Ah, Diablo Cody, how I do love you. And, to top it all off, my favorite song by the Moldy Peaches is in the trailer! It's gonna be orgasmically funny...and this coming from someone who rarely laughs out loud at anything.

Besides my estatic anticipation of the Juno movie, I am battling my own self-hatred for my lack of transportation. My current car, the little ford escort that I have a love-hate relationship with, is about to clunk out on me. So, I have been trying to get a new car, and I went today to the bank, and it turns out that having NO credit sucks just as hard as having really bad credit (at least from my point of view.) Its become this big headache that I can't even get into right now, I'm just so damn frustrated.

This is one of those times in my life when I have plenty of things to look forward to, but the present moment is killing me. I have yet to leave the job I hate with a firey passion, and probably won't be able to for a long time. And, the job I love is unable to give me full-time employment status, which probably wouldn't help me any because I can barely clock enough hours as it is, what with my sucky unreliable car and all. (It's not particularly worth it to drive all the way from one side of town to the other in a car that is dire need of a new transmission for only three hours work.) My mom has been driving me everywhere, including driving me crazy.

I think the only thing that has gotten me through this entire month and a half has been the things that I have been looking forward to. E-Fest was good, though not exactly what I had expected...although I didn't really have any expectations (for once). In the next few weeks I have the JUNO movie, Atomic Holiday Bazaar, My Birthday (though I'm not really looking forward to it...just something to do.) and Christmas (which surprisingly, I'm not really looking forward to either.)

If anyone knows of a way to cheer youself up if you are in a situation like mine, please don't hesitate to share. I'll try not to be sarcastic.

Love and Pregnant Girls,
Mimi

11.22.2007

The Grand Paradox

Okay, I'm going to flatout say it. I want to be a wife.

I am not in anyway a domestic goddess, nor do I pretend to be one. I suck at laundry, I am a crappy vacuumer, and don't even think that I am in anyway a fantastic dishwasher. I'm NOT.

Alas, despite my lack of home-ec expertise, I quite desire the role of a stay-at-home mom. I would still wish to work for Child Protection Center, and I would probably want to work more hours there. But that is not really a job to me. Rather, it's something I do for myself, that just so happens to pay me.

I don't know why but I spent $109 on Christmas tree decorations for NEXT year. Yes, for an entire year my new purchaces will be sitting in a box, waiting upon the grand moment when Stefan and I are finally living together, and we are celebrating our first Christmas in our own place. This may sound psychotic to some. I'm sure that if I were an outsider looking in, I would be quite appalled as well. True, I could've waited till they went on clearance, or I could've waited until we were actually living together to think about these things. Well, I'm sorry. I am one of those people who thinks about minute details that no one will actually notice anyhow, but they make a big difference to me. Am I insane? Probably. But that's why everyone likes me, right?

For the past few weeks I have been in a rut. I am depressed. I am cranky. Hey, I am downright miserable. And you know why? Because in the past few years I haven't had a clue what the hell to do with my life. And you know what? When I am really honest with myself, I realise that I just want to be a wife and a mom. If that is my only purpose in life, then hey, I think that's great. Not many people can do that, at least not well enough for their kids to say, "my mom was a really great mom." I don't want to be a PTA member. I don't want to volunteer for every little school event. I just want totake care of my husband and take care of my kids. That's it. Kind of a simpleton I guess. I know that I ought to go back to school, get my degree...bust my ass and be miserable in the hopes that I can someday bust my ass working for some shithead boss so I can pay off my student loans.

Here's where it gets extra tricky. The economic state of our country is such that even with the technically three jobs that I have, I can't afford to marry the man I love, because we can't afford to live together. I'm sure that it's mostly this damn town, and because gas prices are skyrocketing everything else, but I mean, WTF? When two people who are good, genuine people , who really love one another and want to get married because they can't go a day without each other....why should it be so hard for them to be able to live together in holy fucking matrimony? I mean, really? WTF?

I know that Stefan wants us to live together when we have enough money to afford something in a nice neighborhood, where we can have pets, and where we can just have our dream life. I want that too, but I am losing faith that it'll happen for us anytime in the next 10 to 20 years. It's hard to be an optimist when your entire being tells you that we're on the brink of another Great Depression.

My head says, "Go to school, stick with the job you hate just in case you break an arm or something...it provides health insurance". My heart says, "Marry him. Be his wife. Be his life-long partner." Then, my soul says, "Why the fuck bother?"

Ah, the great paradoxes of life.

10.26.2007

The Age of Commitment

Another one of my friends just sent me a card declaring her recent engagement to her boyfriend of several years...I think 4 but I am not sure.

I am under the belief that I must be at that prime point in my life when most of the girls my age, or near my age, are becoming quite committed to becoming a wife. Yes, it must be a bridal wave.

I just want to put it out in the universe that though the card made me want to vomit in envy, I am genuinely happy for her and her fiance. She is my friend, and I wish nothing but the best for her.

I hope that when I get engaged, I won't inadvertently cause anyone to feel like it'll never happen for them. I say that I KNOW he'll ask, but a piece of me wonders why we're letting the world decide when it'll happen. Money is a stupid reason not to get married. I hope that is not the case, but I don't know. Somehow I feel that by waiting for money, we'll be making a huge mistake. But I suppose Stefan feels that it would be an even bigger mistake not to wait for money.

Really, the only reason we aren't engaged now is because we are waiting to move in together first, which I truly feel would be the best. That said, rent is atrocious. I don't know who decided that ANYONE can afford $1200 for a 2bed/2bath house, but they were smoking somethin' spoiled. $800/mo. is really our limit, but I think if we could find something even cheaper, that would be great.

What sucks more than anything is that we seem to keep pushing back the date of when we will look for a place to live. Before, we talked about the end of this summer. Well that came and went, so then we decided maybe November/December. But alas, that would take money away from Christmas gifts, so now it's sometime after New Years. I don't know that I can get my hopes up and be disappointed again. I want so much to be with Stefan, (most especially in the capacity of being a wife) that I can't bear think of the move-in-together date being pushed back even further.

But what choice do I have? None apparently. Just hope for the best, but have no expectations.? I suppose that's all I can do.

If I didn't love him to the point of wanting to be wed, would this be an issue at all?

10.09.2007

If I Won The Lottery

Ever since I can remember, anytime I ever had to wish upon anything, I would always wish that I would win the lottery. (Well, when I was younger, I would wish my mom would win, so that at least I felt like I had won.) Anyhoo, all this time, I have thought of many things that I would do if I were to win.

The first thing I would do is jump up and down and giggle perfusely.

Then, I would head to a lawyer's office. I would tell the lawyer to hook me up with all the right documentation and stuff to keep me kosher and out of trouble. Then, I'd hire another lawyer to watch the first one.

Second, I would head down to an investment firm and tell them to make that money grow really big.

Third, I would quit my job at Target. I would do it in a really nice way, and put in my two weeks notice. Probably take the other Pharmacy people out to dinner or something.

After those things I have a list that is not really in order:

-Buy a Toyota Prius for me, a Mini for my mom, and a Hybrid SUV for my Dad. Maybe a car for my brother.

-Go back to school. I still don't know what for though.

-Hire a tutor to teach me Slovak.

-Build an entirely eco-friendly house. F.U. Sarasota County! I'll find ways around your permit bullshit!

-Take my family to Hawaii and Alaska (Hawaii in the winter, Alaska in the summer)on a cruise!

-Get Married to Stefan

-have children. Two. One for each arm. (disclaimer: This would have to be sometime after 26 or 27. I'm not stupid.)

-Organize a huge benefit event for CPC that I would pay for all the costs, and ALL the proceeds would go to CPC.

-Get a Boston Terrier that is good with kids. Train it to be a pet therapy dog.

-(Much later down the road) Adopt. Probably from the Czech Republic or Slovakia.

-(Throughout my life remainder) Donate money to causes I believe in.

-Pay for my Dad to retire early.

-Go on a honeymoon that Stefan and I will remember forever.

There's plenty of other little things but those are the main ones.

9.13.2007

So I have some things to get off my chest.

First, I don't know how many of you watched the VMAs this year, but they sucked. Royally. First off, Britney Spears was so stoned and drunk, that she gave up on lip-synching half-way through. You only got to see snippits of some preformances, and there was nothing astonishing about the stage or preformances that really made the viewer think, "Holy Shit that was awesome!" The only good thing was Chris Brown's preformance, but he is young and wasn't trying to fake it that he wasn't really singing (unlike the trainwreck at the beginning.) And what was with the censorship? Everyother word was bleeped out, so why bother having so many rap artists preform if you can't hear any of the song?

Then, I must point out (on a nicer note) that I was in the Herald Tribune yesterday. My picture is on their website. Check me out! Go to: www.heraldtribune.com/sarasota and on the right hand side of the screen, there is a search box. Enter "Teens Step Out For Gala", and it should come up. I am in the blue dress with the black trim. I hae the actual article from the paper in my room, and it's pretty cool to see yourself in the local news. I hope that the SCENE magazine article next month will be a bit more...in depth.

Love and PR,
Mimi