The Grand Paradox

Okay, I'm going to flatout say it. I want to be a wife.

I am not in anyway a domestic goddess, nor do I pretend to be one. I suck at laundry, I am a crappy vacuumer, and don't even think that I am in anyway a fantastic dishwasher. I'm NOT.

Alas, despite my lack of home-ec expertise, I quite desire the role of a stay-at-home mom. I would still wish to work for Child Protection Center, and I would probably want to work more hours there. But that is not really a job to me. Rather, it's something I do for myself, that just so happens to pay me.

I don't know why but I spent $109 on Christmas tree decorations for NEXT year. Yes, for an entire year my new purchaces will be sitting in a box, waiting upon the grand moment when Stefan and I are finally living together, and we are celebrating our first Christmas in our own place. This may sound psychotic to some. I'm sure that if I were an outsider looking in, I would be quite appalled as well. True, I could've waited till they went on clearance, or I could've waited until we were actually living together to think about these things. Well, I'm sorry. I am one of those people who thinks about minute details that no one will actually notice anyhow, but they make a big difference to me. Am I insane? Probably. But that's why everyone likes me, right?

For the past few weeks I have been in a rut. I am depressed. I am cranky. Hey, I am downright miserable. And you know why? Because in the past few years I haven't had a clue what the hell to do with my life. And you know what? When I am really honest with myself, I realise that I just want to be a wife and a mom. If that is my only purpose in life, then hey, I think that's great. Not many people can do that, at least not well enough for their kids to say, "my mom was a really great mom." I don't want to be a PTA member. I don't want to volunteer for every little school event. I just want totake care of my husband and take care of my kids. That's it. Kind of a simpleton I guess. I know that I ought to go back to school, get my degree...bust my ass and be miserable in the hopes that I can someday bust my ass working for some shithead boss so I can pay off my student loans.

Here's where it gets extra tricky. The economic state of our country is such that even with the technically three jobs that I have, I can't afford to marry the man I love, because we can't afford to live together. I'm sure that it's mostly this damn town, and because gas prices are skyrocketing everything else, but I mean, WTF? When two people who are good, genuine people , who really love one another and want to get married because they can't go a day without each other....why should it be so hard for them to be able to live together in holy fucking matrimony? I mean, really? WTF?

I know that Stefan wants us to live together when we have enough money to afford something in a nice neighborhood, where we can have pets, and where we can just have our dream life. I want that too, but I am losing faith that it'll happen for us anytime in the next 10 to 20 years. It's hard to be an optimist when your entire being tells you that we're on the brink of another Great Depression.

My head says, "Go to school, stick with the job you hate just in case you break an arm or something...it provides health insurance". My heart says, "Marry him. Be his wife. Be his life-long partner." Then, my soul says, "Why the fuck bother?"

Ah, the great paradoxes of life.