Greatness

It is quite obvious the depression I am going through. Everyone around me has noticed it, and I have been beyond aggrivated with the situation.

My mom and I went shopping today, and we were talking about it. I was really trying to explain to her how I felt. i said something along the lines of, "I feel like I have no purpose". My mother turned to me, and she looked at me with a face that I hadn't really seen before. She said, "Out of the people I've known, friends and family, I have never known anyone who so obviously has a greater purpose than you. Since the day you were born, I knew you were destined for greatness."

It really kinda surprised me that she said that, but it really hadn't set in until just a bit ago. You see, I have always known in my heart that I am supposed to do something BIG in my life. What that is, I have no idea, but somehow I have always known this.

If you have never felt this, I can only explain it as an inner turmoil that feels like a magnet pulling you through time, blindly taking you in all sorts of directions. And the older I get the more it feels like the magnet is getting stronger, and the cloud of turmoil, bigger. The inner turmoil is like a pitch black hurricane, that every so often shows me which path I should choose with the greatest clarity, like the eye of the storm. For the past three years, I have not experienced a moment of clarity in this turmoil. To be honest, it rather disturbs me that I have not. In the course of my life, it has always been that I could expect a new life chpter about every two years. I keep waiting, and I am starting to worry.

It would be nice to know what I am meant to do with my life; at least a general idea. All I know, is that I am supposed to help people in some way. Oy. What's a girl to do?

The Writers' Strike...and other Pop Culture Silliness

The whole writer's strike thing seems very, um, not important. At least not to me anyway. This is the thing, I haven't seen one new great sitcom or nighttime drama in the past two years, so I don't really get the whole big thing about shows being "ruined" because of the writers' strike. All that is played on T.V. is "reality" shows, which are such hogwash, that I feel sorry for anyone who looks forward to each week's installment.

Bret Michaels will never find "true love" in a group of women who are picked by producers to cause the most conflict amongst their personalities. Moreover, when you seek to find a lifelong partner, it is essentially impossible to find a wife that you're gonna wanna settle down with, when all of your prospective mates are drinking and partying and ALL THE TIME. Then there is the whole "I love New York" thing. I won't even go there, except to say that if I hear one more censoring bleep, I am gonna scream.

The show I have recently gotten into is old reruns of "MASH" on TVLand. Something about a young Alan Alda is just interesting to me. Plus I love the head nurse, Major Holihan, who is a total feminist, and yet very aware of herself and her femininity. I love Major Honnicut, who is a total dreamboat (in the too old for me kind of way) and very funny. I got into this show for a couple of reasons; I really love the fact that they don't feel it necessary to show gruesome images (their acting makes it just as real), the fact that the little quotes and quips are intellectually funny. Plus, it is appropriate in this time of war, when the little things in life are taken for granted here in the United States, like water or a good homecooked meal. I guess I can identify with the charactors because they are so very human. They are the kind of people that your dad would be buddies with, and the kind of women you'd try to listen in on their conversations with your mom. The charactors seem real, unlike the "reality" show stars. Ah, nastalgia.

Everything that I see that is a downfall of the writer's strike is the fact that no real good movies are coming out. Juno was great, but only because it was written by Diablo Cody, a woman who I am sure would not join the writer's guild ever. My big fat broke butt doesn't need to be going out to the movies anyway, but it would be nice to have at least one really excellent film to look forward to. Alas, there is none, and probably won't be for a while. I am only slightly interested in seeing Katherine Hiegl in "27 Dresses", and would only see "Mad Money" at the dollar theatre.

Other than that, I am really only excited about "Wall-E", coming out June 27th. It is about a little Robot who is left on Earth to clean up after humans who've littered the planet to the point of inhabitance. Wall-E has lived all on his own, doing his daily tasks without encountering any other robots for years, when his entire life is turned upside down by the sudden presence of EVE, a female robot probe sent to see Earth's progress in clean-up. It's apparently a love story, one that I am sure will be absolutely delightful and heartwarming. Cheesy? Perhaps, but cheesy works for me. June 27th is a long ways away as far as I'm concerned, but nonetheless I am excited.

I hope that pop culture cleans itself up, because I am really getting sick of there being NOTHING to watch on television. I suppose until the writers not only give up on their strike, but also become more innovative, I am forced to watch DVDs of old musicals and such.

Anyhoo, Love and Robots,
Mimi

"Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. And in your case, that's enough."
Col. Potter of "M*A*S*H"

The Grass Is Greener

Tomarrow is the offical last day of my job with the big bulls-eye. I am not sad, nor am I really happy...ok, yes, I am happy, but I suppose that the word I really ought to use is "peaceful". My gut is telling me that this is the right thing to do, depite my lack of a job being lined up to take its place. Perspective employment is not really a concern for me right now (though my checking account is....) I suppose it's the fact that I can finally get rid of this darn uniform and move on with my life.

Now don't get me wrong--I really like my coworkers here. The big boss of the pharmacy is a great guy, and has really been great to me. The younger boss was always crazy but still had his moments where he was lots of fun too.

I suppose I feel like this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It is not really the great big change that typically comes with new life chapters, but in it's own way, I feel like it is a step in the right direction for me. I have so many plans, and the more I grow, the more I realise that I can't make plans...at least not plans for the far distant future. To be perfectly honest, I am so over the whole wedding thing, and I really am kind of indifferent about Stefan and I moving in together. (I know it'll happen and I WANT it to, but I have given up my expectations as to when it'll happen.) My job that I love can't give me a full time position, and that's really okay with me, because I know that money is just too tight everywhere for me to have grand wants that just won't happen anytime soon. But I suppose it helps that I am getting older, because as I age, I am learning more and becoming more patient. (Not something I'm not particularly known for.)

What I really feel is that I have been let down so much in the past few months, that I fear putting my heart into something, and it being broken again. I simply can't bear to do that anymore for a while. So, I took a leap of faith, knowing that I had a lot to lose, and so much more to gain, and I needed to just have no expectations. So I quit the job here, fully knowing that it could turn out really great or not so great. And that was it.

My advice to anyone who is young, and not having to support anyone other than themselves is to hunt down joy. I knew that I couldn't be happy staying in this job. Life is so full of heartbreak, why should I spoil my youth by making myself miserable. Yes, it is not very resposible for me to do this, but I'll tell you what, it would be even more irreponsible if I did this when I had to make morgage payments and feed a couple of kids. So, if I am gonna have to bust my ass in a job I hate, why do it now?

We'll see how everything goes...

Eight-Legged Love

My latest little obsession is sculpey octopuses. I have made one relatively large blue octupus with green spots...he's not yet named, though quite obviously a dude-o-pus. This evening, I have made two other smaller octopi; one named Magenta who will become a very unique and elegant necklace, and Bibi who is more of a pendant/bead thing. Quite cute I must say for never having used Sculpey until a few days ago.

The above picture is Pinky, a little pink octopus that resides on Stefan's nightstand. Pinky came from my needing to rid myself of some pink acrylic yarn, and the fact that I needed some intant cuteness. Thus was born my new favorite little buddy.

As soon as I can, I'll be sure to post pics asap!

Love and tentacles,
Mimi

Infamous

Ok, so I have never really been a Britney Spears fan. Actually, I really didn't what the hell was so special about her when she first became popular. However, list most tabliod junkies, I have followed her downfall well enought to know that she has yet to hit rock bottom.

I don't know very many people in my life that have been wheeled out of their home on a gurney, but I have experienced other people's moments of severe depression and mental instability. I have sat next to girls who cried because they wanted to cut themselves so badly. I have been to really low lows myself...where my body shook so hard that it felt that I was experiencing an earthquake within myself. I've cried for days, to the point that my eyes could no longer make tears. And I have looked at myself in the mirror and prayed to God that he'd remove me from this earth. I bit my mom on the arm when they had to take my blood for an STD check after my forensic check-up. I felt like so much had been taken from me, that I wanted someone, anyone, to feel the pain that I felt in that moment. Though I don't consider myself an expert, I can honestly say that I've been there.

So when I saw the whole Britney meltdown video, I could feel those exact same feelings that she was, because I have felt them before. I could read on her lips as they put her in the ambulance, she was trying desperatly to convince the female technician "I'm Fine." She said it with the same smile that only people who've lived a double-life can truly achieve. It's that lying smile that you use to not only try to convence those around you, but yourself as well.

I have no sympathy for Britney, because it would not be fair. Sympathy always angered me because I felt that people could use that energy to do something more worthwhile. I do, however, have a certain respect for her, because she has a long uphill battle to climb...but she must fall some more before then. She isn't done in her process. And what she needs more than anything is a person who's been in the exact same place as she; who's pulled themselves up out of the mud and looked self-loathing in the eye. Someone who can say to her, "Hey, I don't pity you, because someday you will no longer pity yourself." That's the only way she can see herself as she truly is, and who she could be.

I was not battling drug or alcohol proplems (I can only imagine the kind of drugs Britney's using), so that is not something that I can identify with. By no means will I try to understand, because I can't. So there is nothing I can say about any addictions that she may have except that, for her children's sake, I hope that she never used in front of them.

I have a migraine now, mostly because thinking about my past causes me to inadvertantly clench my jaw, triggering my TMJ. I am going to go to sleep, hoping that her children are safe, and that all the people in this world who are suffering from depression, will find peace and rest.

Love and life,
Mimi