When You Must Choose...

For the past few years I have struggled with what I would like to do in my life. I have a pretty interesting list of careers that I am thinking of pursuing, but I can't seem to narrow it down to just one thing.


My list of possible careers:

Fine Artist(My first love)
Writer(I like it and I am good at it)
Aestatician(I have a strange obsession with popping zits)
Psychologist(Money + security)
Teacher(consistent work environment)
School Counselor(great hours and better pay than a teacher)
Hair/Nail stylist(pretty good pay, quick training)
Laser Hair Removal Technician(very good pay, quick training)
Entrepreneur (limitless possiblities)
and others...


What I always come in conflict with is the fact that I don't feel tha I could make very much money doing something that I am absolutely passsionate about, and security is very important to me. I would be a fine artist in a heartbeat if I felt that I could live doing it. I don't object to combing careers or having several careers, but I need to at least figure out a means of making a living.
It's almost getting to the point of going to my plan b: This upcoming summer, take out a student loan to go to aestatian school ($4,000) and working as an aestatisian while I go to school. (I can't work for Target the entire time I'm in college...)Now, this is not particularly a bad plan. In fact, it's probably a very good plan, except for one thing--I still don't know what I would be going to school for.
I think I declared myself a Psychology major, but I am taking a General Psych class, and I don't think I'm really enjoying it that much. I have yet to even open the book. The last thing I want to do is spend thousands on an education for a career I hate.

Which leads me to this. What I enjoy doing:

Reading Magazines
Painting, Drawing, Knitting, Crafting
Coloring my hair
Painting my nails(if I haven't chewed them off...)
Looking online at retro clothes
Playing Solitare
writing poems, short stories, and one-handed reads.
Staring off into space
dressing up nice
going to craft fairs, medieval fairs, and gallery shows
watching plays,musicals,movies
Eating!
Kissing Stefan
NEW SHOES!!!
Hats, gloves,socks,costume jewelry, etc.
Going to boutiques, consignment stores, goodwill
Listening to different kinds of music
and lots of other things


I have lots of ideas for really fantastic buisnesses, but I don't know how I feel about them. Excited, protective, meloncholy...I am not much of a risk-taker.

I want to skip 18-24 and just be done with school, have my life planned out and sleep for about four weeks. It's just so hard to focus on school when your head is in a million other places. But I won't quit. It's not me. I owe it to myself to do well, and I want to do well. If I only knew what one thing it was that I wasnted to do well, I'd be all set.

All I Really Want

I feel like hiding in a wonderful little cottage in the clouds. I want a moment to think, a second to get unfrustrated, a minute to talk to God. I want to sit with kindred souls, and eat cupcakes. I want to knit, listen to music, take bubble baths, read a thousand books, take naps, and dance. I want intellectual intercourse. I want challege, freedom, justice, peace, and a new president. I want a clean earth, barefootedness, and hopefulness. I want EVERYTHING.

I am restless. I am craving. I am searching. I am lost. I am idealistic.

I am spilling open.


Here's the way it is: nobody knows what they really want. We are uncertain; it's as though we've said, "Fuck it. I don't care. Wait, come back."
We do things for others, not ourselves, while our health and state of mind deteriorates. We worry what others think, yet we want total freedom. We censor ourselves, yet we let ourselves be explict.

Like Alanis said, "It's too much ask for and I am not the Doctor." (I've been listening to her a lot lately.)

What are we, as a nation, hungering for? We are gluttiness, obese, vulgar, snotty, unapologetic, filfthy, wasteful, overworked, underpaid, greedy, and unsatisfied. We are on the path to self-desructing.
Good news though. We know what we need to do to be better.
Where should we begin? I say let's start withourselves. If you feel like dancing, then dance. If you feel like being smart, then delve into something intellectual. If you feel like saying something, then say it. Be humbled. Wear your shirt on backwards. Look at the clouds and the stars and the dirt under your own two feet. Take a moment to sit in absolute silence. Do what you want. LIVE.
True, I do not live life the way I am suggesting, but I'm working on it. I have dreams, fantasies, and hopes. All I really want is to accomplish them.

I am spilling open.

My art is who I am, but I am afraid what others will think of it. I want pink hair, but I fear losing my job over it. People come to me with their problems, but I I don't want to listen to them.
So I have decided to say, "Fuck it."
and I am not going back.

I am coming apart at the seams.

So here's how it is. I am going to make one promise. It isn't for you, or my mom, or God, or for anyone else. It is just for me. I am promising myself to not sew myself back up...in fact, I'm going to pull the thread.

I am spilling open, and I like it.

Awake and Wondering

It is now 12:08 am, and I am 1)freezing in this chilly house, and 2)far too aware to go to bed. I have to got o school tomarrow; my pych class cancelled, so no classes between 10 and 12. Two hours of ziltch. I will most likely just work on a project due later this week.
I have a couple of things on my mind. I am in super mood-swing mode today, and probably will be until later on this week. I know all the girls reading this will completely understand. So anyway, bear with me.
I am lost. I am not meandering, or wandering, or even taking a nice stroll. No, I am lost. I can't figure out what I want to do for a living. I am taking a career explorations class, just to help me figure it out. I just don't know. Surely, I know what it is I want to do, but I just haven't had that A-ha moment yet...right? How does one go about deciding what they want to be? Sometimes I think it would be best if I just went to a Psychic, and they told me what it is I should do. Uh! I just want to get on with life!
What I am also thinking about is some things I want to post on here. I feel like I have a wealth of knowledge that I wish to share, but I am not sure how well it would be received. No, that's not it. I'm not sure I'm willing to share it. Yes. That's exactly it. I cherish my intellegence, what little I have, and I feel like I need it right now as a security blanket.
I apologise for the randomness of this post. I am on little sleep, a bit of sugar, and moody like all hell. One moment I feel on the verge of tears, the next, about to jump for joy. Well, at leat my intuition is on overdrive. Perhaps this is the best time to reasearch careers....
The other things on my mind( in all honesty):
Santana concert this weekend
Marriage
Babies
Biological clock
my dog
Burger King
knitting
money
a second job?
taking a shower
my car, brenda
sex
pink hair
sleeping
writing a one-handed read
dirty feet
birth control
(and last but not least)
school

I know everyone can relate. I hope you aren't offended by my PMS-induced typing. Thanks for reading this far. I promise more organised thought is coming at a later date.

Rub-a-Dub! Instructions for the Perfect Pampering Day

Every Tuesday and Thursday I don't have classes, so I sometimes use one of those days to just pamper myself. I do it because it's really good for your psyche, and because I can't go to school in a sea kelp masque. I think everyone should make some time for themselves, about once a month, to just relax and be good to themselves. However, I know that few of us truly have enough money to go to a spa, so I have decided to let you all in on my little routine. You can thank me later.

The first thing I do is get a good nights rest beforehand. I promise that this is really important, because I myself have fallen asleep in the tub and it is scary. So make sure you get a good nights sleep the night before. Then, you need to get up relatively early. I don't mean at the crack of dawn, just sometime before 10:00am. You'll need plenty of time before any prior obligations. The worst thing to do is try to squeeze a one-hour bath into twenty minutes. So timing is essential.
Next, you need to decide between a shower or bath. I prefer to take a bath(no bubbles) when I am pampering myself, but if it's more important to you to just get clean than to soak, go for it. Below, I've written my recipe for a perfect bath. YOu will note that I don't use bubbles. The reason for this is because they aggrevate the hell out of me; they get in my hair (which really fucks up the texture), they stick to you after you get out, and are known to give us gals yeasties. So I prefer to go without the blanket of bubbles. Hey, it's my own preference.
After you have had your little soak (or shower), I recommend wrapping up your hair, because you definately won't want it in your face. I dry off really good and put lotion on. The Florida heat will kill your skin, and you'll look like a gator. Not flattering. I like to use either oatmeal baby lotion, or after-sun lotion, always generic. They're just as good, I swear. I hate paying $6 for friggin' lotion. They have generics of "sensitive skin" stuff too. Yey Target. While you're in there, grab a couple of the single use face masques. You can get them anywhere, and they're super cheap for what you're getting. After putting on my lotion, I slip into a nightie. Wear whatever you feel like, it's your day. Then put on your masque. I think guys should use them, because their facial hair will be softer and easier to shave. While you wait for it to finish doing it's thing, lay down for a moment and read a magazine or listen to calming music. Just mellow out.
Once you rinse off your gooey face, get out the tweesers. Plucking your eyebrows may not sound like the most relaxing thing to do, but you will look better, which in turn, makes you feel better.
After all of that is done, I eat. Not junk though. Soul food, maybe, but only if it's that time of the month. I prefer a big salad with lots of veggies. I also have left my recipe for a big, pamper-yourself salad at the bottom, just in case.
Now that you've eaten, you can give yourself a manicure. I wait to do this until after you've eaten because you won't want to use your hands. While you are painting your falangies, watch your favorite DVD. (Watch something that isn't going to make you laugh so hard that you mess up your nails though.) Finding Nemo is good. Or a Fred Astaire classic. Whatever you're in the mood for, really.
After this point, I let you come up with your own stuff. Sometimes I get dressed and go out. Sometimes I take a nap. Sometimes I sit on the computer and play solitare. If it feels good for you, then do it. Above all else, enjoy yourself and relax. You work hard at everything else, you should work hard to take care of yourself.

Now for my recipes:

MIMI'S BATH RECIPE--
a clean bathroom with a lock on the door
a tub full of super-warm water
about 5 lit candles
a relaxing CD (no radio; commercials suck.)
a sponge, loofah, or puffy-thingie
body wash
about 45 minutes
a disposble razor (shave yo hairy legs)
INSTRUCTIONS:BATHE.


MIMI'S SPA DAY SALAD--

In a large, shallow bowl, layer(in this order):
Spinach leaves
sliced hearts of palm
sliced beets
Garbanzo beans
baby carrots
a small handful-sized scoop of cottage cheese in the middle
and drizzle all over olive-oil based dressing
INSTRUCTIONS:EAT.

Pretty In Pink

Well, I have finally succeeded in finding myself a wig that I love. It looks like this:
The color is called "Bubblegum Pink" and is 3 different shades of pink in really nice streaks. I found it on this website, WowWigs.com , and it's a pretty decent price; $38.95 .

Anyway, I am glad that I have found a wig that I really, really like. All I need to do is buy it. The only hang-up I have is that I feel selfish. Do I deserve it? Yes. Am I buying it with my own hard earned cash? Yes. Is it harming anyone else if I do? No. So what's the hold up? Well, here's the deal...
When I had to buy books a few weeks ago, I was stunned at the prices. My books for this semester cost me at least $200. Plus, I have a car insurance payment due the 28th of htis month; a whopping $181. So I'm pretty weary of spending money on frivolous things that I don't need. I really need a computer of my own, but I haven't gotten one yet because of money. I'm trying to be more responsible with my finances, so buying a pink wig for $40, really isn't going to do much for me to save money. I would love a nice laptop for Christmas, but this is reality and I'll have to save up for it myself. So the pink wig will have to wait. But it is pretty though, isn't it?
Other than that, I have no news. I've been awfully boring lately. I apologise.