Trading Spaces...Literally.

Yesterday I switched rooms with my brother. Momma suggested it, but I was the one who really made the idea come alive. The fact was, Bryan is the biggest person in the house, but he had the smallest room. Plus, I am over at Stefan's so often, it really wasn't fair for me to have the biggest room when it wasn't truly being used.
So now I have Bryan's old room, which is a good thing, but I hate all the furniture in there. None of it works for me, so now I need a smallish desk, a new mattress(which I've been needing for a while), a new shelf to put my tv, and a dresser. Hopefully I can put in a smaller ceiling fan, because Bryan broke the one in there now, and it's far too big for the room.
I have a pretty general idea for what I want in the room, but nothing specific. It will probably take some time for me to get it exactly how I want it, but at least this is the big project I've been yearning for.

Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted ;)

What I know So Far

About a week ago, I sent Stefan an e-mail in which I tried to define myself. I only said so much, but now I have completed it. Here it is:

I'm a creative, complex, poetic, clumsy, 18 year old who has yet to register to vote. I am lazy and self-absorbed, but like to be that way while I still can. I have a huge urge to grow up too fast and I can't sit still when I'm excited. I'm impatient, naive, and full of shit. I survived, but I'm still angry.
I don't want to live my life working to make money, but I'm terrified of being poor.
I've never done drugs, but I think about them sometimes when my hands are fidgety.
I have no sense of humor, but I can be funny on rare occasions. I take life far too seriously, and can't laugh out loud at movies.
I have a brand-new Wheat allergy, but I'm grieving my loss of pizza, cake, and bread in private. Sometimes I have the impulse to go out and eat a whole pizza before I get home from work, but I don't do it.
I'm not sure what it is that I want to do with my life--but I do want to be a mother, a wife and friend. Though I sometimes feel like having kids would not be such a great idea, I still feel like it is part of my purpose. I love the idea of being married, but I don't know if I'd be good at it. Of course, whomever I marry will have to love me despite my flaws, and I will do the same.
I'm dating the greatest guy I've ever known besides my Daddy, and I can't believe how wonderful he is. I hope that I don't fuck it up.
I feel sane, but I think of death somewhat casually.
I work at Target for $8.35 an hour, but I don't have enough hours to make very much money. A second job sounds good (for the money factor) but I don't want to give up my free time. I like my job sometimes, but I hate the people I have to deal with.
I like to write, knit, embroider, craft, paint, sew, and be all-around nifty. However, I seldom do any of these things, and I honestly have no excuse.
I have no favorite color, song, or saying. I am indecisive and rarely order anything new off a menu of a restaurant I've been to 100 times before. (Though that'll have to change due to my allergy.) I like quotes, but don't live by them. Some of my favorite things to watch are "Miami Ink", "Mildred Pierce", "The Patsy", "Amelie" and that old James Cagney movie "Yankee Doodle Dandy". Horror flicks, violence, or flat out meanness completely turns me off. I get nightmares easily.
Ladybugs, figures in clouds, vibrant color, roller coasters, high heels, flowers, feeling smart, and kissing Stefan make me happy. I also like tomato Florentine pizza, Chinese food, jeans that fit, new dresses, sleeping next to Stefan, having my hair stroked, and wearing bright red lipstick. I wish I could bungee jump, have pink hair, and not have this stupid allergy.
The next thirty years scare, excite, and overwhelm me. I wish I could take it one day at a time, but that is really hard for me-- I'm impatient, remember? I hope I don't drown. Right now I feel like crying. Why? Couldn't say. But at least I know a lot more about myself than I realized.
Sometimes I wonder if I actually am good at anything. I don’t know that I have any particular skills that just WOW people. I am sort of shy, don’t like to speak to strangers, and distrust people. In fact, I hate the masses. I honestly do. It’s individuals I care for. Therefore, I don’t do well in settings where I feel like someone might bump into me, or steal my purse, or look deep into my eyes and freak out my soul. Eww. I don’t even like to think about it. Because of this, I have a hard time looking into peoples’ eyes when they talk to me. Stefan is about the only person I can lock eyes with. In fact, I like kissing him with my eyes open. Anyway, I can’t type, recite, memorize, or remember names. I know faces, but I can’t remember my own name half the time. What skills do I have?
Well, I can write. I am good at that. I am excellent at procrastinating, but that isn’t a skill. I can be organized when I want to be, and know how to make things organized. I can use a fax and a copier. My phone skills are mediocre, but they’re better than some. Thus far I sound like I am write the resume for a crappy office intern. Perhaps it can be considered a skill that I am very trustworthy. When something is a secret, it stays that way within me. I am very good at keeping secrets. When I am determined, I accomplish things gloriously. Like most Sagittarians, I’m not much of a gossiper. I take my job seriously, no matter what I am doing (not much a skill, but a plus nonetheless) whether it be cleaning the toilet, or filling narcotics prescriptions. I am not really sure what else I am good at…thinking logically, maybe? I am also quite skilled at seeing the big picture, or putting myself in someone else’s shoes.
I’m still not over my abuse. The anger is the worst—I am still very angry. Most of my anger stems from him never going to trial. Some stems from the fact that this is an epidemic problem, but also I am angry that I know in my heart he’s still out there touching children. I believe that with all my heart. I have a lot of pain left over from losing her as my best friend. Sure, she wasn’t the greatest person to be friends with, but I wish we could have ended it on a better note. I feel a lot of guilt for leaving her in the situation, but I know that there was nothing I could do. I had to get out for myself, even if that meant burning the bridge between us. Losing her has caused me to end relationships with girls that I could have been friends with. I would knit-pick until I just created the other girl to be, in my mind, not worth the effort. Mostly, the girls who wanted to befriend me needed me more than I needed them. My standards for a best gal pal may be pretty high, but I feel that it is the only way to ensure I don’t get hurt again. Perhaps the pain of losing my friend would not have been so bad if her dad had gone to jail. At least then, we could’ve really said goodbye. All I know, is that when I rode my bike home that morning, I knew that I had to commit it to myself that I would never step foot in that house again. And I never did.
I want very much to start anew. I want to switch rooms with Bryan, fine tune my wardrobe, and dye my hair pink. A new chapter is opening up for me very soon--I can feel it in my bones--but I want this next chapter to be different. I wish to learn a lot about myself and take great strides in developing the woman I wish to become. Financially, I hope to do better; not so much make more money, but really handling it better. I want to figure myself out on a deeper level. What do I believe in? What am I passionate about? Who do I need in my life to make me feel happy? What makes me happy? What are my goals? Dreams? Desires? How much of myself can I give? What do I wish to receive? What are my expectations, and am I unreasonable in some? I have so many questions, but I am not yet ready to delve into the answers. Right now, I feel as though I am creating my cocoon, and the next chapter of my life is one of great change. I am looking forward to 19. Perhaps my 20th year will be the year I fly again.

All It Takes is a Little Steam...

Yesterday, Stefan took some pictures of me with my pink eyelashes on. Here's what I got:

Today wasn't a typical oh-goodness-gracious kind of day. Actually, it was rather plain. I woke up late, like 1:00, and I had to work at four. So I worked, and came home; not exciting in the least sense of the world. But alas, I am gleeful.
At about 9:00, "To Wong Foo..." came on. Now, I love this movie, despite ever watching it full-lenth until just a few hours ago. In fact, up until now, I had only seen past the part where Vida (patrick swazye) kicks Virgil's ass.
Well, I watched the whole thing this time, and I must say, I do so dearly miss my gays. At the Arts High school, I was surrounded by them, and at least once a day, I'd see a guy in drag. A man in makeup is nothing strange to me, because most of the theatre guys just wore their makeup after theatre class instead of wasting precious lunch time to wash it off. In fact, when I switched to the "normal" high school, I felt weird seeing so many guys "face-less". So watching this movie made me feel like I needed some TLC.
I took a bath after taking my little Brother to get ice cream. I can think very clearly when I take a bath. Perhaps watching the steam rise off my legs helps me to visualise what I couldn't normally, but whatever it is, I am very happy when I bathe. I am one of those ritualistic bathers too; I have the candles, and music (Delilah and John Tesh are the best)and a small amount of bubbles. Sometimes, when I want to feel really glamourous, I use a sea scrub mask. I knew everything was great because the song "Black Water" came on, and I felt so free. That song has always done that to me... I just want to put on a hippie dress, some boots, and have really long hair. Why? I don't know, but at least I'm happy.
Oh, yes, I no longer have purple hair. It's supposed to be chocolatey-brown, but it turned out muddy red. Oh, well.
Ta-ta for now kiddies!

Oh Goodness Gracious!

How long has it been since my last post? So much has happened since then. I graduated from High School, I am now working in the Pharmacy at Target, and Stefan and I took a trip to Busch Gardens. Not to mention all the other stuff I have('nt) been up to lately.
Mainly I've been brainstorming this summer. I really wish I could be more productive, but I haven't yet found the ideal project to throw myself into. One particular idea I've had for years is this:
This stupid county needs a cool hangout besides Star(take all my)bucks. What it really needs is a hip Tea Room. It could be called, "Mademe Mimi's", where coffee is poison and only true divas drink tea. When you walk in, there would be a very cool loungy/buddah/hippy feeling, with dark blue ceiling covered in gold stars, and a swirly sandy colored floor. There would be several semi-private booths where you could get private palmistry readings, or tarot. Each booth could be differnt, like one's a pirate theme, another a bookworm theme, another a hippy-phychadelic theme,and so on. The booths could be upholstered, and have really neato tables that coinside with their theme. For example, in the bookworm booth, the table could be decopaged with old newspapers or book pages. For special occasions, like birthdays, bridal/baby showers, or bachellorette parties, a belly dancer and mehndi artist could come for a few hours. Book Club, knitting groups, and corperate meetings could be held there. If you did it right, you could do little pastries in the evening, and little tea sandwiches at lunch. On all the tables, there would be a schedule of what's coming in the month, so customers would know when live music would be there, or poetry slams, or bellydancers. Different types of music could be played, and have a "Mademe Mimi's Wink of Approval" drink each week or so, that would have a new flavor that isn't immediately thought of when you think of tea. It could be really neat. Maybe I should take a buisness course in the near future...Speaking of which, I myself would be a big draw too. I could have pink hair in a buisness like that, and wear hippy-dippy rags and funky jewelry and such. I would be just as big a draw as the rest of the Tea Room. My employees would be encouraged to color their hair as they wish, and decorate their aprons as they like. I would hire young guys and girls who have fresh personality and unique look. I think cute guys like Stefan would be really fun to have as part of my team. Of course they would have to wear closed-toed shoes, but I would tell them that I don't care what color they are. The only "uniform-ey" thing would be an apron that has whatever they want to put on it. So, what do ya think? Would YOU want to hang there?