Infamous

Ok, so I have never really been a Britney Spears fan. Actually, I really didn't what the hell was so special about her when she first became popular. However, list most tabliod junkies, I have followed her downfall well enought to know that she has yet to hit rock bottom.

I don't know very many people in my life that have been wheeled out of their home on a gurney, but I have experienced other people's moments of severe depression and mental instability. I have sat next to girls who cried because they wanted to cut themselves so badly. I have been to really low lows myself...where my body shook so hard that it felt that I was experiencing an earthquake within myself. I've cried for days, to the point that my eyes could no longer make tears. And I have looked at myself in the mirror and prayed to God that he'd remove me from this earth. I bit my mom on the arm when they had to take my blood for an STD check after my forensic check-up. I felt like so much had been taken from me, that I wanted someone, anyone, to feel the pain that I felt in that moment. Though I don't consider myself an expert, I can honestly say that I've been there.

So when I saw the whole Britney meltdown video, I could feel those exact same feelings that she was, because I have felt them before. I could read on her lips as they put her in the ambulance, she was trying desperatly to convince the female technician "I'm Fine." She said it with the same smile that only people who've lived a double-life can truly achieve. It's that lying smile that you use to not only try to convence those around you, but yourself as well.

I have no sympathy for Britney, because it would not be fair. Sympathy always angered me because I felt that people could use that energy to do something more worthwhile. I do, however, have a certain respect for her, because she has a long uphill battle to climb...but she must fall some more before then. She isn't done in her process. And what she needs more than anything is a person who's been in the exact same place as she; who's pulled themselves up out of the mud and looked self-loathing in the eye. Someone who can say to her, "Hey, I don't pity you, because someday you will no longer pity yourself." That's the only way she can see herself as she truly is, and who she could be.

I was not battling drug or alcohol proplems (I can only imagine the kind of drugs Britney's using), so that is not something that I can identify with. By no means will I try to understand, because I can't. So there is nothing I can say about any addictions that she may have except that, for her children's sake, I hope that she never used in front of them.

I have a migraine now, mostly because thinking about my past causes me to inadvertantly clench my jaw, triggering my TMJ. I am going to go to sleep, hoping that her children are safe, and that all the people in this world who are suffering from depression, will find peace and rest.

Love and life,
Mimi