The Perfect Job

I have worked for Target for two and a half years now, and I am MORE than ready for a change. I know what I am looking for in a job, but I can't seem to find an employer in Sarasota that has oppurtunities availible to my criteria.
I want a job that includes these things:
1) little to no interaction with the public
2) allows me to be creative and expressive
3) doesn't let people yell at me for their lack of planning
4) minimal amount of time spent on the phone with people who like to blast music, talk really loud (or soft), let their kids tell them things while they are on the phone with me, and all-around-crappy-phone-people. None would be great.
5) Not having a person with no experience in my industry tell me what to do.
6) A job that allows me to give advice, speeches, and pretty much just share my opinion freely.
7) and, finally, a job that pays me more than $9.00 an hour.

Am I asking too much? Sometimes I really wonder.